Finding out that your husband or wife has cheated on you in the marriage is without doubt, one of the most painful experiences of life. Obviously, the affair brings up a long list of consequences that range from concern over physical disease to distrust. For some couples, putting the marriage back together is possible but only after serious counseling and change. However, other couples find the deceit far too difficult to handle, choosing instead to move on.
Regardless if you stay together or go your separate ways, you need to identify the reason for the affair. In most cases, a spouse cheats because of a physical attraction to another person. While you can certainly take steps to look better, sometimes the attraction to another person has nothing to do with anything you have or have not done. Therefore, the spouse who cheated needs to understand the reasons he/she strayed.
If you were the spouse cheated on, then you are going to be faced with many emotions from anger to hurt to rejection, all normal. Just as with a divorce or death of a loved one, although you will never full get over the infidelity, you should allow yourself a minimum of one year. During this time, you need to surround yourself with strong, loving friends and family. If you have decided to stay in the marriage, both you and your spouse should understand and accept that over the course of the "healing time", you will need significant reassurance.
One of the main challenges you would likely face is that while the cheater wants to just put it out on the table and then let it go, you are going to be questioning his/her whereabouts when coming home late from work, traveling out of town on business, and so on. With the assistance of a professional counselor, you will be provided with the tools and resources needed so you can begin to bury the past and the hurt. Again, time is your best friend.
If you are the spouse that did the cheating, do not expect to really, understand the overwhelming emotions your husband or wife is feeling. Therefore, the last thing you want to say is, "Honey, I know how you feel". The truth is you have no idea the things your spouse is trying to deal with or the magnitude of the pain. If you want to stay in the marriage, you need to allow your spouse the time needed to mend. You cannot expect a quick fix because it will never happen.
This is the time to take full responsibility for the hurt causes, providing your loved one tons of reassurance. As never before in your life, you will need to be 100% accountable to him/her, telling your spouse where you are, what time you are coming home, who you had lunch with, etc. At first, it might seem like overkill but being upfront and open is allowing your spouse to regain footing in the relationship. Just remember, you can survive an affair, in or out of the marriage but it will take time, hard work, brutal honesty, and a ton of communication
